You created me so, logically, everything I have is essentially yours. You throb in my heart and mind every moment so, emotionally also, it is yours. Mostly I keep this to myself and be soaked in oasis of this calmness and love, but there are times when I feel disquiet beyond measure and want to express my love and longing for you. I feel a strong sensation of melting, oxidizing and dissolving and at times it feels as if my body is being converted into vibrations and waves. It feels like I am losing my body and getting dissolved into surroundings. I feel those waves yearn to go so far and touch you. I feel that I am converting into a perfume bottle and I can no longer hold my fragrance and it is moving out and getting mixed with air. I am writing this letter to you with my fingers trembling, it is one of those moments when I feel my fingers and eventually my complete body is slowly going to get dissolved in you.
I feel as if a part of my body at subatomic level is slowly and effortlessly leaving my body in the slowest motion ever possible. It is the slowest phenomenon I have ever noticed and experienced in this world. It is blissful and scary at the same time. Every time when I feel this way I force myself to distract from this peculiar phenomenon and after some time gradually I return to my worldly self. It is blissful because it gives me a feeling of getting united with my love and my creator. It feels that I am transcending my physical dimension to seek him, touch him, feel him and get melded with him silently. It feels like my long yearning to meet him and express my love is coming to an end. It gives me a feeling of being boundless and infinite. At the same time it is scary because this is something not normal and is more like hallucination. I sense a strange fear and it seems like I am losing control over myself. This is the only body and existence I have control over. It is scary and painful to lose control.
I find myself standing at the highest cliff and strong wind trying to push me off the cliff for good, but I am not able to trust the wind and am afraid of falling down from such a height. Though, the wind whispers ‘I will take care of you, just let yourself go, experience the thrill and you will love it as you crave for it’. The quiver, indecisiveness and confusion standing against the wind in their full strength and reasoning with me. I cannot take this for a long time and I listen to my rational self and get down from the cliff safe, happy and unhappy simultaneously.
Immediately after such encounters I often think what was that strange feeling? Why I don’t feel complete in myself? Why it feels that I am a part of something or someone unknown? Why it feels that this place is not my HOME? Why I am restless here? Why it feels that I am on a mission here and I have to go back? Why the mission itself is not clear? Why this edgy wandering? Why was I separated from that unknown, if I was? And if it was for good why it doesn’t feel good and content? How I am supposed to live this exile? If separation was not for good, then is this my punishment? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am a rebel if you think by punishing me you will get me corrected, you are surely mistaken. I would create such a mess here that you will unwillingly call me back to spare the others here. Oh! Am I trying to threaten you? Maybe yes. I can’t take this pain anymore. I want to be at peace. Help me to understand your plan. I promise, I won’t let you down. Drop me a hint that I am trust worthy, you love me and you miss me there. Show me that you care. Don’t you?
Amidst of all this turmoil inside, suddenly, image of my loving husband flashes, I get assured that you care. Whenever I am with him holding his hand, I feel content and at HOME. I see you, the unknown, in him. I feel you in him and I come to know that you love. I come to know that this is not a punishment and I am not alone here. You are with me every moment and we are here for a short vacation. I see my daughter and I get a hint of your plan. I get to know how you are replaying the beliefs, ideas, theories, actions and emotions, I have identified myself with. You are giving me a chance to correct whatever wrong understanding I have accumulated so far. You are giving me a chance to relive the innocent, loving, ego less and sweet moments. I see your reflection in her as I see in me. You are giving me chance to accompany another part of yours and nudge her that you care and you love.
Thank you for accompanying me and making my vacation beautiful and lovely. Thank you for this intense pain that keeps me alive and makes me aware of the fact that my life here is a vacation. I promise to make it a decent and loving stay here, and a happy and content return to HOME.