My daughter’s first afternoon nap.

It takes a good story, lots of cuddling and talks to put my daughter to sleep at night. In the afternoon, she is so active that she would not even like to lie on bed for 2 minutes. She would do coloring, pasting or any other activity all by herself. Today, my daughter went to bedroom at 11 A.M. with her color kit and I found her sleeping at 11:30 A.M. It caused me so much pain that I wanted to cry out loud. Though, I almost always wished that she should become independent and should sleep whenever she felt sleepy, without pulling me on the bed. When I saw this happening for the first time, I got depressed and dishearten. It is painful to see her this exhausted. She had suffered from high fever for three days and then she had rashes. She wasn’t eating well because of illness and the visible itchy marks (rashes) made her feel so low and anxious that she disengaged herself from everything and went to bed without saying anything to me. Not a slightest hint!

I put a brave face when she is around, but, I cried when I saw her sleeping like that. I felt her sadness acutely and it was like almost unbearable pain in my throat and chest. I gave her prescribed medications, but it would take its time. How desperately I want a miracle to happen, to cure my kid and restore her with all her playfulness and energy levels. At the moment, when I saw her sleeping, I wished if all the health problems she was facing would become mine and she be healthy again.

I claim to be a strong person who can face any problem without crying and breaking down. For defending my claim, sometimes, I have forced myself to stand tall when I was really scared and had no hopes for better. I survived those times and flaunted my mighty self to myself. But when I saw my kid in that bad health condition, I was standing there to disown my claim. I was ready to speak aloud that I am not so strong person. I cried and felt so depressed.

The more I cried the more depressed I felt. I was trying my best to tell myself that soon she will be fine. But my optimistic self was not performing well and sounded more like an outsider, a struggling rescuer. With every passing minute my anxiety was growing in folds. I started worrying about what if I would not be able to bounce back to my normal strong self before my kid awakes. I, surely, didn’t want to raise her anxiety and sadness level with my teary eyes and dull face. I wanted to be strong and steadfast support for her. I wanted to assure her that she can: cry, show aggression, depression, and any sort of emotional thing that she was feeling and needed to vent out. I had to regain my composure for her good.

I started writing this blog to express my grief and this really gave me strength to get over my depression. It gave me clarity that I don’t have the luxury of sinking down in depression, not this time. I needed to be rock solid. I needed to be positive and in high spirit. I was able to see that it was not catastrophe but it was a seasonal thing and my daughter would be healthy again. She needed rest and it is good that she was sleeping. A part of selfish and hypocrite mom was hurt inside me to witness that my kid could sleep without me. I wonder, if I really truly ever wished that my daughter should sleep without holding my hand!!

Well done my kid. Good to see you growing and becoming independent. It reminded me to be in touch with ‘let go’ philosophy.

See you again. 🙂

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