Why infidelity hurts? It does because one invests immensely in marriage that includes his/her precious years and emotional investments. Couple share highs and lows, uncertainty and familiarity of life for such a long period that they get ILLUSION of being chosen, special, indispensable, irreplaceable and ‘the one’ for each other. They tend to believe that they are made for each other and hence when it turns out to be something different than this belief, they call it betrayal. It is indeed betrayal of one’s own belief system. As marriage is synonymous with safety and security, moving out of marriage corresponds to high insecurity, anxiety and sometimes identity crises as well. It is a surmountable loss for the person at the receiving end of infidelity.
Why men are more into infidelity than women are? There are three major reasons. Firstly, Men have been programmed by nature to spread their sperms in their full capability. It is nature’s way of perpetuation and this operates at instinct level. Many men are not even aware of this deep intrinsic instinct and are unconsciously responding to it.
Secondly, men are more adventure loving and love to challenge what is denied to them more often than women. Crossing a prohibited line gives one a sense of boldness, adventure, achievement, and a possibility to experience one’s own risk handling skill. It gives a sense of being alive. Men have been more courageous to deny morality and take charge of their life. All of these traits: adventurous, defiant, courageous enough to take risks, and masculinity are the celebrated in a male. Almost every woman would love to have such a man.
Thirdly, Women are neither morally obsessed, but they could not scrape the morality that exists in a mother-child relationship. Again it is a nature’s play. Female are endowed with the responsibility of carrying their child in their womb for nine months and this creates a much stronger emotional bond between a mother and a child than between a father and a child. Nature made sure that offspring would have at least one parent to look after him/her. So mostly, motherhood restricts females from pursuing love when they find it outside marriage. They compromise love because of the primitive gratification they draw from motherhood. The traits that attracted her towards her man are no longer respective, attractive and lovable once those traits start working against her marriage. She would respect and love him only if she has found true love in her husband. Else she is furious and in great agony.
Why moral policing could not prevent infidelity? Romantic love is like an addiction and it does not exist for welfare of an individual, but for perpetuation of genes. It is a drug that alleviates oxytocin and dopamine hormonal activities. It can be better understood with the analogy of narcotics.
We educate our kids about the bad effects and even life threatening effects of drugs and still many of our kids are into narcotics. The reason being, I guess, we overlook the initial positive impact it has on a person. Because we do not educate our kids that it is very pleasant, enhancing and intoxicating in the beginning, when they taste it for the first time they discard whatever education was imparted. They feel that parents and teachers are the crowd who has never tasted it, hence knows nothing about it and they are just trying to deny the kids such wonderful thing. The horror stories we tell them are about some weaker persons and it would not happen to them- everybody has hallucination of his/her uniqueness.
On similar lines, we have associated social stigma and fear to infidelity without proper analysis. We are overlooking the effects of love on a person. And we have horror stories of broken family, devastated partner and hurt childhood to tell as consequence of infidelity. However, we have summoned courage to accept divorce in a case where females are victim of domestic violence. I find it as enough of evidence to say that we don’t value either of two reasons of being in a marriage (Child and Sex) over and above our life.
We have one life and we want to live it to the fullest. Mediocre life is not a life at its best, then why to settle down without finding love and invite infidelity? We are trying to fix the issues raised by mismatch of new generation’s values and rituals of marriage by moral policing. I doubt that it will ever work. To fix any issue we should first be open enough to understand the issue. And we must consider natural instincts because they throb in every existence.
I have written this analytical piece for the couples who are happy and content with each other and both are equally, willingly taking up the responsibility of raising their kids and are busy with their normal routine life. None of them intentionally want to hurt another and they respect each other. But suddenly, cupid’s arrow hits one of them and we shame it as infidelity.
See you again. 🙂