She was my dearest friend

A decade ago she was my dearest friend and confidant. Nevertheless, she was the only true friend in my hostel life and rest others were either classmates or acquaintances. Her persona was such that everyone used to shower her with accolades like, “You are incredibly cool, calm, loving, selfless and helping girl.” Once in the first semester of my M.C.A. when I met with a major accident, she mothered me. She took great great care of mine. Since then our relationship changed. Earlier, she was my friend and I loved her, after the accident, I started obliging her. Our equal and friendly relationship got transformed into lopsided relationship, wherein I disenfranchised myself. I was not only ready to be doormat for her, but also dust for her. Her love, care and kindness claimed my life, though on the surface we two were best friends. Our relationship survived well regardless of turmoils and happy times in hostel life.

After completion of M.C.A. we got job in different cities. We were not in touch with each other on regular basis. Isn’t it strange that we didn’t even mail each other! I got a job in a city where my boyfriend was located. So I really got busy with my personal life and since I was new in job, it also offered many challenges to keep me busy. I assumed that she would also be busy like me. Whenever there was something important going on in my life, I would call her and talk to her for hours at a stretch. We would talk to each other very comfortably, give our sincere feedback and gossip. The frequent communication gaps never really created a void between us. This reaffirmed one belief of mine that true friends are forever.

In nine years (three years of hostel life and six years after hostel life) of our relationship she called me up, may be, ten times and mine count would be at least ,I guess, thirty. During those years I never thought about these statistics and this fact never changed my call frequencies. In fact, my calls were reasserting another belief of mine that I am obliged and I should not try to be equal to her. I never had any complaints.

Almost six years later our hostel days, one of our dear hostel-mates created a whatsapp group and included both of us in that group. We started having good time again and it was an awesome feeling to be a part of that group. I was friendly with everyone in the group and I am grateful that they all welcomed me very warmly. In chats we used to tease each other, compliment each other, share our lives with each other, share opinion on political, social and spiritual issues. It was quite a vibrant and lively group. I enjoyed being in that group until a day came when I very honestly criticized my dearest friend (on her request to be honest and critical). Everything changed and our relationship could not survive this blow. She left the group after abusing me. I was astounded with these consequences. They took a belief of mine away that she is super cool, calm, positive and ego-less. The ruthless and abusive girl, I encountered on that day, was a complete stranger to me.  After I overcame this trauma, I apologized to her owing to these two beliefs of mine :1) true friends are forever. 2)  I am obliged and I should not try to be equal to her. I was restless and cursing myself that I paid her love and care off with my criticism. How could I not sense that request to be a honest critique was only on the surface and under the skin it didn’t really mean anything? How could I not understand that she had always interacted with an obliged soul, a biased friend and hence she would be shocked to see a real, honest me?  How could I be so careless! I cried and made frequent sincere apologies. I kept on apologizing owing to another belief of mine that Sincere apologies are accepted and answered.

My three beliefs made it possible for me to expect her return and to expect that we are still friends(true friends). It has been more than a year now and that chat still haunts me and I so much want to have her back in my life. At the same time, I realize that I want her back not because I love her with the same intensity, but because I am not ready to accept that my beliefs are wrong. Her refusal is challenging my beliefs and my understanding about the working of this world. I am not able to comprehend this new situation because this makes no sense in light of my existing beliefs. To maintain the sanity either situation has to be changed or my beliefs.

I do not have control over the situation or working of this world. There are many intricacies involved. However, I can make peace with the situation by understanding and accepting that my beliefs are not always correct. They proved to be right many a times, but there are times when they are wrong. So here I stand to correct my beliefs as per my current understanding: 1) Relationships are subjected to terms, conditions and they do come to an end. 2) Every healthy relationship should be equal in nature. 3) Sincere apologies are not bound to be accepted.

She was once my dearest friend and now just a friend. I wish her health, happiness and all the best in life. I will always cherish the happy memories of our friendship and I will always be thankful for her love and care.

See you again. 🙂

 

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