I am a genuine procrastinator

I have a dream. A dream of scoring good grades in one of the internationally held exams for writing. I dream of this and feel happy about dreaming and about the fact that I know precisely what I want. I am aware that it needs preparation and hard work. I have a good academic record, I love to read and write, and I am not lazy. Still I am not doing anything to achieve this! Why??? Why am I procrastinating it? Can I start working on it? How??

  1. I consider it a big project: humongous project, a larger than life project. I am so overwhelmed by the thought of its planning and execution that I find myself numb. If I could break down this big project into small parts and start working on those parts one by one, I have a greater possibility of executing it correctly. If I could apply Agile framework or BODMAS concept to this project, I would certainly know a way to get through it.
  2. I have an idea that I need improvement, but I am avoiding a reality check. I am afraid to acknowledge my gaps. My rude and negative self-critic avatar is preventing me from self assessment. If I could be a little brave and little compassionate with myself, I would make a list of my weak points and polish my skills.
  3. I am afraid of failure. Though I was a brilliant student, but I have not given any exams for last 15 years. I am not sure if that spark is still in me. What if even after preparing I could not score well in the exam? I don’t want to be a failure. That is why I have my day schedule busy with numerous tasks of homemaking. I am fooling myself that I don’t have time to prepare. After all I will not be perceived as failure if I won’t try at all. I can always say ‘If I had more time, I could have prepared and excelled’. This fooling doesn’t stop here, it goes further. I am reading stuffs on Time Management. However, if I could be little more honest with myself, I would know it is not related to time management. And if I go back to my memories of school and college days, I would have confidence to prepare as if failure is not a possibility. Moreover, If I could be honest in admitting that failure is a stepping stone and not trying is worse than failure, I would start preparing for the exam.
  4. I don’t have a deadline for this project. I realize that my dream is abstract and free of any timelines. A major supportive reason for procrastination. I am in no hurry. If this exam were to happen shortly in my recent future, I would surely be preparing for it. Allocating a time for this exam would help me to initiate the preparation. What is stopping me from scheduling this exam? Oh! It’s my perfectionist and ‘all or nothing’ attitude. I want lots of time to prepare and be perfect and well deserved candidate appearing for the exam. If I could mute this perfectionist voice and understand that it is demotivating me to start working for my dream, I would start my preparation.
  5.  I am waiting for right time and situations. I realize my perception of time and ‘right time’ needs revaluation. My current perception about time is more a deception. I think, presently, I have situations and events to handle maybe, the future will be relaxed. How well an intellectual person like me is deceived by this! If I could understand that every time is full of situations and events, though may be different than past, but it can never be devoid of these phenomena, and future is never relaxed it is as happening as my present, I would come to know that present time is the right time to start.
  6. I am happy with my present. I am happy and comfortable with my life. I consider my life as a gift and my dream as a wrapping material for the gift. I have a gift and it doesn’t matter if it wrapped or not, because anyway I will open the gift sooner or later. This allows me to be stress free and enjoy the life. This ‘Glass half-full’ philosophy is working good for me, its a cozy feeling. Why to take stress and move into uncomfortable zone when I have options to avoid it? Very convincing reason for procrastination. However, If I could understand that this is equivalent to be stagnant and non progressive, I would thrive for life. If I could interpret that little stress is good and it keeps one alive, I would welcome this stress and would start preparing and living my dream.
Mostly, it is us and our inner voice that restricts us from attaining our goals, fulfilling our desires and living up to our full potential. Our brains are fabulous at fooling us with different reasons and confining us in our comfort zones. There is nothing wrong with living a mediocre life and be happy with it. But it is always good to stretch your wings, fly high and touch the greatness. It feels good to utilize your full potential and be the best version of yourself. Let everyone be the best version of herself or himself. All the best!
See you again. 🙂
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