From Love marriage to love in marriage


Imagination is root of the most profound experiences and the most profound needs of a person. Love and desire both start with a person’s imagination about other person. Sometimes, you look at a person and his charm, appearance, manners, actions, gestures, humor, vocabulary, confidence,skills and radiance fuels your imagination and here you are ready with an imaginary person who completely physically resembles with the person in front of you. If it so happens that the real and imaginary person coincide with each other on other parameter (emotional, intellectual,behavioral etc) for long, you start feeling desire for him. That desire takes you closer to the real person and closer resemblance drives you even further from the domain of selfishness (desire) to the domain of selflessness (love). And you know that you are in love with the person. This is what had happened to Swarna and Uphaar. They fell in love with each other or they fell in love with their own imaginations about each other. This romantic love became their new addiction and they realized that they want more of each other and hence they decided to get married. 🙂

Having romantic love affair (RLA) with someone and being spouse of the same person are two different things. In RLA you have limited time to spend with each other. There is a big space between you and your love. Your obsession to know your love keeps on growing because of this distance or this space. You want to know your love completely as a lover, as a friend, as a person,as a husband,as a father and what all he is. But, this space and time constraint doesn’t permit you to exercise your wish. And you know, the more you are prohibited from doing something the more you want to do it. And crossing this prohibited line gives you a sense of boldness, a sense of adventure, a possibility to experience your own risk taking skills and mostly landing and knowing the unknown world, unknown person or unknown phenomenon and it gives you a sense of achievement. It makes you feel alive.

When this space and time constraint offers you so much of fun and life why would you like to get married? In a marriage this time and space constraint vaporizes. In a marriage you feel security(emotional, financial,sexual and social), you feel self worth, you feel love,you feel care, you experience great deal of familiarity – which is in no way matching to your driving impulse for marriage! It seems that every human life is a paradox in itself. It needs security and adventure, familiarity and surprise, safety and risk, commitment and autonomy, love(selflessness) and desire(selfishness)- actually it need a balance of these two contradictory experiences. Balance, which is quite a big deal. Mostly, absence of this balance leads to catastrophe in human experiences.

A friend of Swarna had love marriage and she told her that love marriage was no different than arrange marriage because her lover and her husband were two different personalities. She told that she had lost that burning desire for him. She lacked excitement in married life. She told that commitment had become a responsibility. This was a warning for Swarna, she thought if the same thing would happen to her. If Commitment would become a burden and not a proud joyous possession? Swarna got little scared.

Uphaar had made Swarna feel that she was chosen, she was special, she was indispensable, she was irreplaceable and she was the one.  This was the new identity Swarna got from her RLA and was so blissful to have it. Rejection and denial from Uphaar’s family made it a mission to be accomplished in order to save her new beloved identity. So, she had to get married to Uphaar and they did get married. 🙂

Swarna and Uphaar were in long distance love relationship and hence they badly craved for the closeness and availability of each other. They had a very beautiful start of married life. But soon they both started to realize that their imagination or fantasy was different than reality. Out of frustration they started having conflicts and long periods of uncomfortable silence in their marriage. They both were disappointed with themselves and each other. Once, Swarna read it somewhere “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” She felt this was written for her. She had to choose the legacy of nonconformity – nonconformity of imagination and reality. Would she surrender to failure of her imagination and feel bad about real Uphaar OR once again would she decide to explore, imagine and know the unknown? Would she spend rest of her life in this misery OR would she try to rekindle the vitality in their relationship? She had to choose and she made her choice of remarrying and feeling ALIVE once again. She chose to have a second marriage with the same person, Uphaar. 🙂

Swarna looked at Uphaar with new eyes. His free laughter, his intelligence, his humor, his radiance and all that attracted her in very first meeting was all there. She became more than happy to know that it was her imagination that failed her and not Uphaar. He was with her and he loved her and cared for her and yes a bit of disappointment was also there. She looked at him and all over again she fell in love with him. She knew that she had to start her journey of exploring the unknown space with the added familiarity she had now. Wow! it’s fun and adventure once again. Very soon this aliveness touched Uphaar and he too started feeling in the same way for her. Both of them got more drawn towards each other and felt desire and love for each other more intensely then ever. They have found the balance of familiarity and mystery, love and desire in their marriage. 🙂

I would say that both of them belonged to the community of people who have highly active VTA (ventral tegmental area), a part of brain responsible for addiction and obsession. Love is a kind of obsession. I would say that a beautiful loving heart resides in brain. Love your brain and stay alive till you are dead. 🙂

See you again.



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