Accused of judging people

“Don’t be intimidated by people who seem to be experts. Hear their points of view and get their judgments. But at the end of day, you’ve got to make a judgement because it’s not their life that’s going to be affected so much as your future.” -Robert Dellak

Every thoughtful person is always observing, processing the inputs and reaching to his conclusions and judgments about the situations and people around. Swarna call this process – assessing a situation or judging a person. Mostly based upon this judgement and assessment any reaction or further actions are taken. Every human being does this on individual level. Sometimes her judgement is correct and sometimes wrong.

Are we ready to accommodate people who are on their way to make good judgments and learning through their wrong judgments? Or we promote that for the fear of wrong judgement a person should stop evaluating and stop judging? 

Swarna used to have discussions with her friend, Priya, on various topics and these discussions were obvious to reveal something about Swarna and something about Priya. When the topic was not so heavy and Swarna drew a nice conclusion about Priya’s stand on the topic, it was all good. Say, if the result was that Priya was honest and caring person, Priya never mentioned that Swarna was judging her and that Priya would think twice before speaking her mind next time. Both of the girls endorsed that such discussions would never affect their friendship in anyway and that these discussions enrich their understanding about each other. But once, when Swarna drew a conclusion that pointed towards a gray shade of Priya. Priya lost all her calm and compose, for Swarna was judging her on basis of a discussion they had. Suddenly for Priya the spectator’s gaze of Swarna turned into the glint of a predator’s eye. For Swarna any conclusions would not affect her feelings for Priya. But being an observant person Swarna could not help her urge to understand more. This was a crime that Swarna committed and now Priya was considering if Swarna was her friend ever?

Swarna had never anticipated this outcome from a discussion. Both Swarna and Priya acknowledge that no person on this earth is perfect and that everyone has some gray shades. They accept each  other, love each other and have respectively happy relationship. It really does not matter what all different ideologies Priya was subscribing to, they two were friends. Swarna did not know that she should not understand Priya more than Priya wanted her to understand. And whatever conclusions Swarna made were based on what Priya said during discussions i.e, when she was talking her mind without any second thoughts. When Priya said different(strange) things in a discussion did she think her talks were going into some dumb head? Why she doesn’t want to own her stand after discussion? At least she should be open enough to accept that she could say anything for the sake of being different. Or if she really feels that there is misunderstanding then what stops her from clearing that – is it the hopelessness or is it the ego? This also leads to a question if it was really a friendship that they were sharing or it was just a company?

Priya said very often “Please try to understand me.” With this incident Swarna listened to this saying more attentively and she heard the implicit meaning of this cry and it was “Please try to understand my projected personality. Try to understand what I want you to understand. Ignore when some hidden beliefs or traits surface and distort the projection of my personality.” Swarna was ready to accept real Priya, behind that projection. But Priya was not ready for unwarranted leap in Swarna’s acceptance. Priya could not welcome this vulnerability. Swarna thought may be it was the most horrifying thing happening to Priya that she come across someone(Swarna) who understands her and sees her beyond her projected personality. Swarna learned that in a relationship we welcome those judgments which are in agreement with our projected personalities but for all other kind of judgement we start trolling the person. We accuse her for being judgmental. Is this not hypocrisy?

Now Priya expects an apology from Swarna for the conclusions made by her. More than this Priya expects Swarna to unlearn whatever she learned from their discussions. Swarna is ready to apologize for making her learning made explicit in words but unable to unlearn. Swarna believes that she can not pay respect to anyone by disrespecting herself. And this incident also gave Swarna an insight that why two people in a relationship discuss all the worldly matters but the matters of their relationships and their understanding. Most of the times it is the emotional immaturity that leads them to share shallow relationships.

Swarna do care about relationships but she surely is not in favor of having 100 shallow relationships. Swarna do care and respect people but she can not help going in depth of every person she meets. Swarna do not subscribe to many things and ideologies but this does not mean that she disrespects them who follow a different stream. Swarna’s world is big enough to accommodate all theories, all perspectives and all people with due respect. She does not consider judging a bad phenomenon.

Someone said “Depend upon yourself. Make your judgement trustworthy by trusting it. You can develop good judgement as you do the muscles of your body – by judicious, daily exercise. To be known as a man of sound judgement will be much in your favor.

See you again 🙂

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